Always Crazy, Always Fun, Always Love

Ray Romano once compared life with twins to living in a frat house. As he put it, "no one sleeps, there is a lot of noise and a lot of throwing up." I find this very true with 4 young children, including twins. However, though things are always crazy, we always try to have fun and, most certainly, always love each other.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

6 1/2 Months Later- For the Record

This is a subject very close to my heart and personal so I will not link this one to Facebook as I often do.  Instead, it is here for my own thoughts and memories sake as well as for those who care enough to read my blog without a link prompting them- which is about 2 people I think.

As I wrote about in this post, we were excited earlier this year to learn that baby number 5 was on the way.  Unfortunately, I miscarried in early May.  Today, November 23rd, was my due date.  It has been very very hard, despite having 4 other wonderful children to keep me busy.

So, for the record, these are my thoughts, 6 1/2 months later on my due date:
  •  One thing I have learned having 4 children is your heart grows with each one- making it possible to love each and every child with your whole heart.  I can understand totally how someone could have ANY number of kids and love them just as much.  We loved this one just as much. This one was just as real.
  • Even 6 months later, it still hurts.  I still long for that baby and think of her often.  I wonder if/when the longing will go away.  I had a miscarriage before the twins.  It didn't stop hurting until I conceived the twins and that pregnancy was successful.
  • I still feel a stab when someone announces they are pregnant- especially if it is for a 5th or beyond.  It is hard to control the selfish thought of "Why is it so easy for them and not me?"  (though I have been fortunate to have 4 children without fertility, at the same time, it has not been easy.  We went through fertility testing, long waits to get pregnant, and of course, two miscarriages).
  • With this as well as other trials the last few months, I feel I have teetered closer on edge of depression- if not fallen all the way in- then ever before in my life.  I cry over everything, have no energy, very exhausted, loss of interest in some things, forgetfulness, withdrawal and more.  
  • I keep a lot of this to myself, even within family and close friends, because I don't want to bring everyone down and I feel most people just don't understand.  I know for a fact that many close to me think we were insane for trying for a 5th anyway.  Also, I don't want people to mistake my sadness for being ungrateful for the 4 I have.  That can not be farther from the truth.  I really do thank God every day for my 4.  I know many do not get this blessing and I have been so deeply blessed.  It is just that, well- a loss is a loss and it hurts regardless.  
  • I do not know what it is like to have a miscarriage BEFORE having children, but I did once hear someone say it is just as hard if not harder to have a miscarriage AFTER you have other children because now you know what you are missing.  Yep- that describes it.
  • I have kept this day close in my heart as it approached.  I knew for a fact that no one else remembered it- not even Aaron did, though many knew it was nearing.  I didn't really expect anyone to- really, there was no reason for them to.  I was shocked though to find one person did, and it really meant a lot.
  • I never knew my heart could swell with happiness and love and joy while breaking at the same time.  That is how I felt these last two weeks as I held my new baby niece that was just born.  I was so excited to find that both my sister and I were expecting-and due within 10 days of each other and I envisioned our babies growing up together.  I am so happy for my sister and I love my niece.  Considering this was her first and probably only, I am thankful that this happened to me and not her.  I just mourn that I don't have a baby that would grow up with her.  As baby Claire grows, I will always remember my own- knowing they would have been the same age.
  • And that is just the thing with miscarriage that makes it hard to heal that people don't understand.  Sure you mourn the loss, but you also mourn the future that you envisioned.  For nearly 3 months, I had a vision of the future and it is still hard to know that future won't happen.  
  • And that is just the thing too.  The world doesn't really give us the chance to mourn- we have to pick up and move on the next day.  Of course, it is not the same as losing a child that had been born.  I honestly can not imagine such a tragedy.  Of course that is infinitely worse.  But, because of that, many minimize how much this in itself hurts, even if not as bad as losing a born child. I am expected to cry for a few days and then suck it up and move on.  So, on the outside, and even around my family- that is what I have tried to do.  
  • Ultimately, I know I will be able to move on for real- whether that is with another child or not. I crave and pray for that peace.
So, to end this on a positive note-   though it is still often hard, I am okay.  I chose to take today to remember and  just breathe and take a break from the world. I do my best to stay positive on this blog and on Facebook so as not bring others down. I also just feel when we ARE positive we FEEL positive.  I will go back to that after today.  Today is my day to be honest about what I feel.  Though I have been down lately, I do also feel very blessed and lucky.  It is also easy to reflect on that, here the day before Thanksgiving.  I love my family so much. I love my children, who make me smile everyday and are such beautiful gifts from God. I love my husband who is caring and supportive and loving to me all the time. I really have the best friends ever that are always there for me.  God has honestly put so many people in my life that I am so thankful for.  I truly believe that God has a plan for me and he knows what he is doing- and therefore, everything will work out just as it should be.

7 comments:

everyday katie said...

I have actually been thinking about you and your miscarriage a ton the past couple days but I didn't realize it was the due date. I should have been more pro-active and called.

I hope you get feeling happier soon. I was there (for different reasons) for a few years. I don't know why, but it's so hard to admit to and talk about depression.

We need to make plans to hang out. Our paths don't seem to be crossing enough lately.

Kelly said...

My heart and thoughts are with you, Amanda. I am so sorry you are heartbroken. I hope you know you are wonderful and appreciated for all the wonderful things you do and are for so many others.
I hope you know how loved you are.

The Cochran Family said...

This is a beautiful written dedication to your lost baby and your feelings! My heart goes out to you! I remember when you blogged about this before and the instant you posted on facebook, I knew why...i am glad you are "ok" and hope for the day you are great! You deserve it! You are a wonderful mother of 4 and deserve more and if that is your wish, I'm sure some day you will have that opportunity here or the here after! Much hugs and love always!

Stephanie White said...

Amanda,

We have experienced infertility and all of the stresses that go with it. I have also experienced the loss of my niece at 10 months old. There is absolutely nothing wrong with grieving. And you can grieve for as long as you need to. It shows that you love. This is your child and that kind of loss should break the heart of any loving parent.

The great thing about technology is that it brings a huge support group of friends and family right to you. Please don't be afraid to cry, rant or vent to us when you need to. We are all human and have our down times. Without friends to help pick us up, what kind of world would this be?

Kari said...

That's so hard. I'm so sorry this is a trial you have to have. I can only imagine. Though I am very blessed not to have to mourn the loss of any of my darling babies I understand the concept of mourning the loss of the future you envisioned for your baby. I adore my baby girl, but I'm not sure if I'll ever stop wanting to cry when I think she'll never get married or have kids of her own. I know it's not the same thing, at least I have my sweet little thing to hold it just gives me a small inkling of what you're saying. Sending hugs your way.

Breezi@ Not Your Average Fairytale said...

I love you, Amanda. I wish I could give you a big hug right now.

Any time you need to talk, please call me, I'm always good for a chat :)

Jenn said...

I know your pain well, though mine happened so long ago. I am so sorry you went through this, sending you my love. You will always be special to me.